A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

A Wife's Duty

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."  On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"  She replied, "You're going to die"!

 

 PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER: " Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework." 

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk .... .
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

 با تشکر از وب لاگ   Utopia
                                                                                                      

Supermarket Encounter

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A Good Teacher

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!

Question: what’s the best way to find a pin in a rug?

Answer: take off your shoes and walk barefoot.

Question: what’s the best thing to do when you’re run over?

Answer: take the license plate number of the car that hit you.

         با تشکر از وبلاگ حجم عشق                                                                     

100 Penguins

A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

A woman was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.
A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"
The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"

Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first brother, Donald, said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second brother, Robert, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third brother, Joseph, said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading Shakespeare. She can't see very well, so I sent her a remarkable parrot that can recite the complete works of Shakespeare. It took trainers 12 years to teach him - he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name a poem or a play and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Donald," she said, "the house you built is so big. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." To her second son, she wrote, "Robert, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's so much trouble!" Finally, to her third son, she wrote, "My dearest Joseph," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

I can't stand to see a grown man cry!

A man was standing at a bar, just staring at his drink. He stayed there motionless for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver walked up to him, grabbed the drink away from the man, and drank it all down in one gulp. The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry." "No, I don't want another drink. This day is the worst of my life. First, I overlept and got to my office after 10. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building and went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen. The police said that they can't do anything about it. I got a cab to return home, and when I got out, I suddenly remembered that I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat, but the cab driver drove away quickly. Then I went home, and when I got there, I found a note saying that my wife left me for good! I couldn't stand staying at home by myself, so I came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."

Super Granny!

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

(True story!)

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.  Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"  

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around." 

Time to Get Up!

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Get up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Jokes to Increase Your Vocabulary

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Gray Hairs

 

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

   Jokes to Increase Your Vocabulary

            (Move your mouse over the red words to see their meaning.)

The Coke Machine

                   A blonde walks up to a vending machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a can of cola. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Don't bother me now. Can't you see I'm winning?!"

Jokes to Increase Your Vocabulary

(Move your mouse over the red words to see their meaning.)

My Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the yard filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendly way, "What are you up to, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"